UGHHH why did I eat dinner last night. Such a fucking fail.

yesterday’s intake: 1 slice whole wheat toast (90), 1/2 tbsp blackberry jam (25), 1 cup rice chex (100), 1/4 cup french almond granola (140), whole wheat bagel (320), 1 tbsp blackberry jam (50), fish/green beans/rice (640). 1,366?

I hate myself.

1 slice whole wheat toast (90), 1/2 tbsp blackberry jam (25), 1 cup rice chex (100), 1/2 cup granola (140), 10 blackberries (20), and 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (40).

390. Better than yesterday, but still have some work to do. =/

So my current weight is 116.0 pounds. Lost 1.4 from yesterday.

yesterday’s intake: 1 slice whole wheat toast (90), 1/2 tbsp blackberry jam (25), Fage Peach greek yogurt (140), Pomegranate iced tea w/ splenda (0). 255.

I know I’m supposed to get on the recovery train. I really want to go. I just can’t do it sometimes. I don’t want the number to go up. I want to feel better, I want to be physically healthy, but I’m so scared. I already look SO big. :( I’m just going to restrict for a while longer. Hopefully I can get closer to 500, though, under 300 is terrible. 

It was fun. Not talking about my weight today (made the terrible mistake of weighing myself the day after Christmas…it’s impossible to gain 4 pounds in two days. So we’re going to pretend it’s just water weight and that as long as I get back on track, I’ll be back down to 115.4 in no time).

Intake was a tuna burger, no bun (200), 1/8 brown rice (16), and 1/4 cup steamed broccoli (14). 230. Just not feeling it today, ugh.

Iced coffee w/ skim and sugar (70), shortbread cookie (70), 5 Ritz crackers (80).

220. 

meh.

weighed in at 119.4. BMI is 18.7. 

Intake consisted of 1 piece of toast (70), 1 tbsp blackberry jam (30), Chobani peach yogurt (140), 2 slices whole wheat toast (160), 1.5 tbsp blackberry jam (45).

445. meep.

Had my last session of the semester with my therapist. She said she won’t fight with me, but she keeps tossing anorexia into the words we talk about. I don’t want to talk about anorexia, I hardly have an eating disorder period. She said clearly some of the criteria applies, and if I keep doing what I’m doing, that is what I will be diagnosed as.

Logical part of my brain says “stop, you’re getting in too deep”, disordered part of my brain is proud, as if I’m succeeding at something.

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing all of my control. I feel like I have no say in what I do, which sounds stupid, but I just can’t. Sometimes, the disordered part of my brain wins. A lot of the time lately.

meh. well, a plus: should be able to reach my goal of 119 by saturday. just 0.4 pounds to go.

protein bar (190), 2 oz chicken breast (70), 1/4 cup yellow squash (8), 1/2 cup green beans (17), 1 small baked potato (128), 10 red grapes (30).

443 total. meh. =/

I really am trying to get to at least 500 every day. But it’s 8:30 now and I’m extremely full (since my dinner was so big), and I just can’t. I push so hard, but it’s not enough. And of course, there’s that little voice in my head that says I don’t need 500. Frustrating.

Crying on the train over a muffin. My cousin dropped me off and bought it for me, and she made sure I ate it before I got on the train. I said I packed a granola bar as my breakfast, but she said that’s just a snack. 

I am so disgustingly full and bloated and I want to purge, but I promised I wouldn’t purge, but I want to, and I am on the train, so even if I hadn’t promised, I couldn’t. 

It kills me. I am so fat today and I’m seeing my boyfriend and I don’t want him to see all of my fat and I literally feel like I could die. So many calories. So many unwanted, unneeded calories. I want it out. OUT. 

Why the FUCK aren’t my anxiety meds working at ALL when it comes to my food stuff?

I’m 120.6 today. Kill me. 120.6. I wanted to be in the teens. I don’t have my scale with me, but I WILL be in the teens when I get home.

instant oatmeal (130), 3/4 cup pomegranate seeds (120), Chobani mango yogurt (160).

Puts me at 410, and we’re having waffles for dinner. Most definitely a fear food (I love them, but they’re so unhealthy…) I do have ballet tonight, though, and I’m planning on working really hard. Trying not to feel guilty about eating. I’ve also been trying to increase my intake a bit, because it’s driving my boyfriend crazy!

In my ideal world, my intake would be 0. In my boyfriend’s ideal world, my intake would be at least 1200. Compromise is to get it as high as I can without panicking. 500-700. Even if the weight comes off a little slower, I’ll be healthier and he’ll be happier. win-win.

Except that it’s really hard to get over 300 some days. It’s a work in progress. :)

I now weigh 121.4. So down 1.2 from  yesterday? Which means I am 0.4 pounds away from entering the 18s for BMI. This is a major step for me, admitting my CW to all of you. I know I look enormous, but it feels good to be honest about my weight. That’s why I blog, to record the ups and downs of all of this.

First thing my grandmother asked me when I got home last night was whether or not I’d eaten. And I told her I had, and she said okay, and that was that.

Intake for today. Really trying to push myself a little, 305 calories yesterday was pitiful. 

Chobani peach yogurt (140), 8 raspberries (8), 1 chocolate toffee almond cookie (130).

278. And I feel good, I feel full. Breakfast was a success. Probably won’t eat lunch, but I do plan on having dinner. So yeah! Really gonna try to get above 500 today.

blackberry yogurt (100), 1.5 cups Special K cereal (165), 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (40). 305. Not my best effort, but it’ll do. Better than 100, I guess.

2 slices whole wheat toast (200), 1 tbsp blackberry jam (50), 1 cup of organic pasta (210), 1/8 cup tomato sauce (20), 1 link chicken sausage (70), 1 tbsp parmesan cheese (21), small piece of whole wheat garlic bread (170?). 

741.

feeling fat. Can’t wait to see that I’ve gained tomorrow. aldfjkasljkfh.

Did NOT do good on the calories today…

1/2 cup pomegranate seeds (80), protein bar (150), 1 oz blackberries (12), 1 mint cookie (70), 1/2 cup wonton soup (90).

Meh. 402 is my total, and I’m feeling pretty guilty about it. I tried so hard today. :( The soup was REALLY salty, so I’m probably going to maintain tomorrow anyway. Better luck tomorrow.

My mom and I went christmas shopping and that was fun. She did say one kind of rude thing, though. =/ We were walking through aerie (my fave store! Everything is so soft!), and she goes, “what, you’re a small now?” Like she’s disappointed that I’m not a medium. I told her that I can be either a small or an extra small depending, and it’s not really a problem. And then she goes off about how that is a problem. It’s like, come on, mom. I’m working on it, but I’m still at a healthy weight. No need to panic.

probably going to have a panic attack in a bit, but we’ll see. I don’t even want to add up the rest of my calories, but I will.

238 from earlier today, 1.5 pieces of toast (135), 1 tbsp blackberry jam (50), 1 shortbread cookie (75), tuna sandwich (238), 1/3 cup yellow squash (10).

746.

killmekillmekillmekillme. what was I thinking? AH. Apparently, seeing the lowest number on the scale I’ve seen in a year means eat twice as much as you have been? FUCKKK. drinking a ton of water, hoping I don’t gain too much. :(

had a small bowl of cinnamon harvest cereal (143), some blueberries (20), raspberries (10), with unsweetened almond milk (35). Not terribly upset about it.

My aunt said I’m looking kind of sick. She made me have some of my grandmother’s ensure. UGH. That I panicked about a bit, but it was only 3 sips. I’ll estimate that at 30. 

So my total is 238 for the morning. Going to try to keep the rest of the day at a minimum (nothing till dinner), and drink lots of water. I really don’t want to get dehydrated.

I’m 4 pounds away from my lowest weight. Excited, but nervous at the same time.

I took two pictures after breakfast, may or may not post them, I look huge. =/